Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
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