We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
