Are we in a gay sports bar?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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