Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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