So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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