Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
