I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
