I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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