I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
