why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Boobs speak an international language.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
