i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
