I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
