great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
