it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize