There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize