i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
