So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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