it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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