i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Are my feet made of real feet?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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