I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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