IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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