Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
