Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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