Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
