I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
