He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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