My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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