She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
