Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
