I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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