I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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