the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
