Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
