oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
