i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
