Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
