How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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