Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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