she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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