So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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