My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
