I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize