She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
