those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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