Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
