He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
