don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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