Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
