I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
