Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize