I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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