It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
