Who wears a wallet chain?!
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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