I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Found your dick twin last night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. π
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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