I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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