Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
