you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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