her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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